XXII - XXII

i've spent a few days off the rails. i still am, i guess.
It's done alot for me, but i know it shouldn't.
I'm a serial run away-er.
but this is something i'm not going to ignore, or try to forget.
i'm gonna try again.
i'm expecting the worst; and anything else is a bonus.
i don't know what i'll do if this doesn't work.

"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, i know you'll be a star in somebody elses sky;
...but why can't it be mine?"

Painting the walls that you walk right through.

Dreaming was as close as i'll ever get.
I always said i'd try my best; i promised i would. and i did.
i tried my very best, and for that i should be proud.

but unfortunately this one is beyond me to fix, it's out of my hands.
For that i'm sorry, and i'm pretty smashed. It's not the kinda sad you can turn into angry either, cuz then the wrong people get upset for no reason.

For something that'd seem so insignificant to others, it's had a hell of an impact, and meant alot to me.
It's helped me through some dark times, and for that i'm grateful. Really.
In my lowest of lows, you've really made me smile, and had me entirely captivated.

So here's to salvaging summer, "our" splee; and remembering those dreams for as long as possible. xx

I don't know why i fight for you this way.

Tonight the UK Subs are playing.
They're probably one of the best punk bands, and if you know me you know they're a personal favourite also.
However, I'm not there.
I kinda want to be, but i've realised i have to prioritise what i want. There's somewhere i'd prefer to be.
If there wasn't a decent reason for me not going; believe me i would be in the worst fucking mood ever. There would be destruction.
But i'm quite happy, i'm gonna catch a relaxing, early night cuz i have the best reason to not go.

"I think I found her but I haven't got a way to her yet."

She blows my mind. I'm captivated.
I promised i'd try my best and that's exactly what i intend to do.
I'll sit entirely content with the best thoughts, just resonating.
peace. x
♥

I'll be with you girl, Like being low ... like being stoned.

I'm feeling a bit fragile today. Last night was amazing. there was just one thing missing.
just got to make the most of it though.
i need work; need money.
I truly have found a decent challenge, and i'm entirely motivated again.
It's only a matter of time till i get what i'm after i hope. =)

still entirely captivated, entirely content.

"That moment will stick. I'll be stupidly happy; and it'll resonate so fucking loud.
I won't ever forget, and nor would i want to.
That moment i want to work for. I'll always try my best. I promise."




"I'm standing in your corridor, I wonder what i'm waiting for.
The leaves are drifting out to sea, and I'm waiting for you desperately. All things beautiful, i want everything."

Why lie? It's what you waited for.

The sky is the most amazing colour here tonight. It's a beautiful blue.
I tried to document it. I tried to take a picture.
It's the only way i could think to show you.
It didn't work. Not enough light i guess.

i think you would love it here.

if we purposefully set off in opposite directions; we couldn't end up any further apart.

Words words words.

Today i have done my own head in. entirely.
Between work and other stuff, i have totally fried my brains. I need any distraction. Anything.
To most things i don't give a fuck. i'm not an easy person to wind up. but if something gets to me i can't ignore it.
I don't know how to explain this; i'm probably better writing this by hand.

I've filled my mind and my time with something entirely positive. The last few days i have grinned like a spesh, and really felt fantastic.
I've been on the receiving end of something amazing, and i'm really grateful. Promise.

I just don't know how to not end up worrying about stuff i care about.
I don't even know if i'm supposed to be taking this seriously. It may just be a laugh, and i'm seeing more than there is. I dunno.

When you have something good, you're amazed at first.
You appreciate just how lucky you are.
all my thoughts have been entirely positive and i have just been captivated. Entirely.
i've just concentrated on trying my best and enjoying myself.

But what if something makes you happy, but all you can do is worry about maintaining it, or what the future holds?

i know worrying has no practical use, and it's just a waste of time. If you find myself caring about something, especially in his conext - i just get a shouting in my head. constant fucking loud.

I have became my own worst enemy today.
I'm trying to use past experience to learn, and i'm not gonna let me, ruin me.
I'm not going to act like a cunt and do things i later regret.
I need to appreciate what i have; nothing more.
I need to not worry.
I'm just saying it's fucking hard.

I deffo think i would be better of with pen and paper.
I miss alot. x

Tidal waves don't beg forgiveness.

I'm happy.
I have alot of conflicting thoughts, but only down to happy stuff.
So i am quite content.
I'm known to have a past record of basically ruining good stuff, so i just need to smile and be grateful, worrying doesn't solve anything.

stay captivated, stay content.

I'm enjoying being back home; but i also miss alot about Truro, and i miss Ashford lots too.
I didn't spend much time there, and i feel like there was so much more to be done.
Same with London. i really would love to explore that universe.

I dunno if i wrote about it i went to see Pearl Jam for the third time last weekend. It was really good to catch up with old friends and see such an amazing performance.
The company deffo made it an amazing gig overall.

I don't have much to say.
I'm Happy.
Here's to the perfect joint.
Peace. x


"I just want to scream 'hello! My god its been so long, never dreamed you'd return'
But now here you are, and here I am...


...Hearts and thoughts they fade away"

Have fun breaking my will.

I'm keeping it short and sweet while i'm home. Mainly because my spacebar is fucked and it's pretty annoying.

Highlights of today as follows.

• Further understanding a friend's philosophical approach to life whilst doing nothing more than wasting time and relaxing.
  
• Having a laugh with a group of friends i never would have envisioned spending my night with.
• Standing outside around midnight outside my parents' house, in total silence; enjoying the driving rain, cool air, my own thoughts and a spliff.
• A conversation

Today has been entirely enjoyable. This is probably down to the fact i have better things to be doing, and as a result have enjoyed wasting time. I really don't care.
I woke up this morning with very few constructive plans, and i'm going to bed with a smile on my face. That equates to profit in my opinion.

I'm looking forward to alot of things, and can only hope stuff figures out.

Deo Volente. x