The destruction of a person builds character.

I'll never pretend to be the best person at dealing with shit. most things i'm actually pretty good at, I'll always try my best anyway, and i'm of the opinion i'm quite a strong person - but the one thing i'm shit at is getting people out of my head.
It takes so fucking long, then one little thing jogs my memory back a bit over what i've spent ages trying to forget or not care about, equals a shitload of regression and i end up back where i started pretty much. I can't be reminded of them, it just fucks me up.
I appreciate this is entirely a fault of mine, but i can't do anything about it. Believe me i wish i could.
I know some people can just flip a switch and get on with their lives; but i'm not that lucky at all.
All it takes is someone to mention their name, to get a simple message; and that's it. I'm fucked. That's them stuck in my head again.

On a lighter note it's not all mental self destruction. I've noticed i'm turning into a little chemical drug rat as well. Which i am not going through again. I am too old for that shit, and i've been through it too many times before. So yeah, fingers crossed from here on out i will be (relatively) drug free, as i have no desire to spanner myself in and fuck myself up any further.
So i imagine this is 'game over' again.
I just miss it, i know it's the drugs, not the situation - but just being high with a mate or mates, makes for such an interesting night. When you're young you manage to get it in your head that it's not the drugs, it's the mindset of the company you keep.
well it's not, it's the drugs. it may be fun, but its still the drugs. and it'd be very hypocritical for me to go against it: some of the best times i've had on my life have been due to chemicals and their effect ont he human body. i just think it's sad if that's the only way you can have fun.

i dunno if it's the best or the worst thing, but people who've experimented with drugs often have this refreshing mentality you rarely find anywhere else; they just tick differently you know?? Over indulgence turns people into retards or psychopaths, and people who don't dabble are just the usual grey of society (in most cases) but you get this lovely bit in between where people have had fun, experimented, opened their mind, saw life from a (previously unattainable) different angle, and then walked away after realising their limits.
and they can't regress, you're mind will never go back, you just learn to live with it; but it just opens your mind in a way that can never be fully closed again. You can analyse anything from any number of angles, have more than one opinion on any area, you've seen things indescribable, and colours that don't exist, and it does benifit in a few different ways in my opinion.
It's hard to explain, but people just have that air about them. That they've seen and done more than the average person, not only have they seen and done it, they've also gone ahead and questioned it; and more often than not benefited as a person for doing so.
Sometime it's evident, other times not so; but i am of the opinion it is of huge benefit to the person, if not only for the regaling of hilarious or unlikely experiences, it's all contributes greatly to interesting conversations.

you have to appreciate how wired i am from last night, and i apologise for how direct my writing style is.
this is the only time i will apologise for how i write; i think it's mostly for myself if i read this back.
So this is just a ramble, but i have no standards to uphold, and no promises to keep. so fuck it =)
like i said earlier on i believe the shitter someone writes, the more character it carries.

so yeah. peace. x