Lots has happened i guess.
I feel this may be a lower point in life; hopefully preceding something fucking amazing.
I'm sick of being broke, owing money; and drugs getting me in shit and fucking me up. So fucking sick.
I realise it's entirely down to me to sort my own life out. If i want it to get better i'll have to work at it.
yet if i keep that mindset through all the dark times, i find that my life gets no better.
So what to conclude? I don't want a decent life? or i do, but i'm not trying hard enough? or is it simply unfixable?
This is what occupies my thoughts as i lay down and try to sleep; and throughout most of my waking life also.
I often question if i'm a decent person. I know that sounds a little insane, but allow me to elaborate.
I believe no decent person can truly end up a decent person by chance, without spending vast amounts of time contemplating it. they must question themselves, reflect, conclude then act on it.
I believe it's integral to improvement that personal status is constantly challenged.
However one should never settle for anything; and should constantly strive to keep improving.
I've came accross too many people who've convinced themselves that they're decent people, convinced the people around them they're decent people; yet it's false - they're far from it. I'm not in any position to judge, but without realising this for themselves they have no hope. That's the person i dread becoming.
i believe this is integral to improvement and self betterment.
Know yourself, and keep striving to find out more.
Although i may appear to be a decent person; i honestly don't believe i am anymore.
I'm not malicious or evil, and i'm definitely not selfish; i believe i'm just apathetic about too much.
Without passion there is no chance of success, and i can't be passionate because nothing holds my interest.
I need a fucking challenge, something to captivate me. I believe this contains what i need to make reparations in most (if not all) other areas of my life. Without a challenge, without mental stimulation many aspects suffer - at present i am quietly self destructing; and all the while convincing myself it's ok. It's not.
The destruction of a person builds character sure, and believe me: i've been alot lower than this - but it's all been over something that fucking mattered.
Never have i been so downtrodden and upset by merely reflecting on my life.
...so back to the root of the problem; do i just not want to fix it? or is it irreparable at present?
Either way it needs to get fixed - i don't care about my own sanity; but i feel that my life may often spill over into others' and in turn affect them.
I think the conclusion i have drawn is that is until i find something that interests and captivates me; something i'm passionate about - i don't have much chance of repairing anything, and will continue to spiral downwards without the slightest interest in redemption.
i feel so much love for my friends, my family, et al.
but this isn't reflected truly in my attitude and actions; i appear ungrateful and a shit friend.
That's what fucking bothers me; i'm gonna start pissing off decent people soon.
I'm hoping it won't come to that, because unlike some - they don't deserve it.
"On a long enough timeline the survival rate for everybody drops to zero."
On a brighter note i got more ink filled scars hammered into me; i feel this may be an almost endless positive.
Thanks and goodnight. x
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