If i think, i think of you.

I'm getting there; stuff ain't easy but i'm coming around.
it still hurts to think about it, but i'm finding that i'm spending less n less time doing so.

I got a message from someone i haven't heard from in a long time; part of my life i'd pretty much forgotten. Anyways, this person was close friends with one of my good friends who unfortunately died a couple of years ago. They had no idea what had happened; and that's so sad. I said I'd take the time out to met them and help them catch up on what they've missed.
That'll be fun i imagine(!) =|
















I'm enjoying Plymouth still, and I'm really enjoying spending time by myself here as well, something which until recently has been tearing me up.
It just feels like there's always something going on here, even at the quietest of times. It's just down to me to find what appeals to me. =)

Lots of work to do so i better get to it i suppose! still not really sure what i'm doing studying for a Law degree.
Peace.

I miss you.

I miss you alot.
today has been horrible. i got very little sleep, and the best part of my day was when i woke up but couldn't remember yesterday. for a few seconds everything was still perfect.
today has been random. very random. i can't really apply myself to a great deal, but i'm keeping busy. i've been into uni but i can't hold a pen so i've just sat n half listened to whatever's going on.
i still feel lost.
...and i still haven't ever watched a disney movie.

"we all have something that digs at us, at least we dig each other."

For all we could have done, and all that could have been.

That's it. game over.
Alex Garland said in 'the beach' something about that moment just before game over, when you realise you're totally fucked; but it's far too late to do anything about it.
It's such a bitter moment, however part of you wants to draw it out forever, you don't want to see what happens after it's all over and you'll do anything to hold onto that moment for a few seconds longer.
So today i have lost alot, someone very important to me.
I love you, and i'm scared of going back to normal; i don't want to forget and move on. I'm going to miss you so much.
I'm sorry.

Here's to everything we still had left to do, and dreaming of what an experience it would have been.

...i hate all this past tense shit.

XXII - XXII

i've spent a few days off the rails. i still am, i guess.
It's done alot for me, but i know it shouldn't.
I'm a serial run away-er.
but this is something i'm not going to ignore, or try to forget.
i'm gonna try again.
i'm expecting the worst; and anything else is a bonus.
i don't know what i'll do if this doesn't work.

"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, i know you'll be a star in somebody elses sky;
...but why can't it be mine?"

Painting the walls that you walk right through.

Dreaming was as close as i'll ever get.
I always said i'd try my best; i promised i would. and i did.
i tried my very best, and for that i should be proud.

but unfortunately this one is beyond me to fix, it's out of my hands.
For that i'm sorry, and i'm pretty smashed. It's not the kinda sad you can turn into angry either, cuz then the wrong people get upset for no reason.

For something that'd seem so insignificant to others, it's had a hell of an impact, and meant alot to me.
It's helped me through some dark times, and for that i'm grateful. Really.
In my lowest of lows, you've really made me smile, and had me entirely captivated.

So here's to salvaging summer, "our" splee; and remembering those dreams for as long as possible. xx

I don't know why i fight for you this way.

Tonight the UK Subs are playing.
They're probably one of the best punk bands, and if you know me you know they're a personal favourite also.
However, I'm not there.
I kinda want to be, but i've realised i have to prioritise what i want. There's somewhere i'd prefer to be.
If there wasn't a decent reason for me not going; believe me i would be in the worst fucking mood ever. There would be destruction.
But i'm quite happy, i'm gonna catch a relaxing, early night cuz i have the best reason to not go.

"I think I found her but I haven't got a way to her yet."

She blows my mind. I'm captivated.
I promised i'd try my best and that's exactly what i intend to do.
I'll sit entirely content with the best thoughts, just resonating.
peace. x
♥

I'll be with you girl, Like being low ... like being stoned.

I'm feeling a bit fragile today. Last night was amazing. there was just one thing missing.
just got to make the most of it though.
i need work; need money.
I truly have found a decent challenge, and i'm entirely motivated again.
It's only a matter of time till i get what i'm after i hope. =)

still entirely captivated, entirely content.

"That moment will stick. I'll be stupidly happy; and it'll resonate so fucking loud.
I won't ever forget, and nor would i want to.
That moment i want to work for. I'll always try my best. I promise."




"I'm standing in your corridor, I wonder what i'm waiting for.
The leaves are drifting out to sea, and I'm waiting for you desperately. All things beautiful, i want everything."

Why lie? It's what you waited for.

The sky is the most amazing colour here tonight. It's a beautiful blue.
I tried to document it. I tried to take a picture.
It's the only way i could think to show you.
It didn't work. Not enough light i guess.

i think you would love it here.

if we purposefully set off in opposite directions; we couldn't end up any further apart.

Words words words.

Today i have done my own head in. entirely.
Between work and other stuff, i have totally fried my brains. I need any distraction. Anything.
To most things i don't give a fuck. i'm not an easy person to wind up. but if something gets to me i can't ignore it.
I don't know how to explain this; i'm probably better writing this by hand.

I've filled my mind and my time with something entirely positive. The last few days i have grinned like a spesh, and really felt fantastic.
I've been on the receiving end of something amazing, and i'm really grateful. Promise.

I just don't know how to not end up worrying about stuff i care about.
I don't even know if i'm supposed to be taking this seriously. It may just be a laugh, and i'm seeing more than there is. I dunno.

When you have something good, you're amazed at first.
You appreciate just how lucky you are.
all my thoughts have been entirely positive and i have just been captivated. Entirely.
i've just concentrated on trying my best and enjoying myself.

But what if something makes you happy, but all you can do is worry about maintaining it, or what the future holds?

i know worrying has no practical use, and it's just a waste of time. If you find myself caring about something, especially in his conext - i just get a shouting in my head. constant fucking loud.

I have became my own worst enemy today.
I'm trying to use past experience to learn, and i'm not gonna let me, ruin me.
I'm not going to act like a cunt and do things i later regret.
I need to appreciate what i have; nothing more.
I need to not worry.
I'm just saying it's fucking hard.

I deffo think i would be better of with pen and paper.
I miss alot. x

Tidal waves don't beg forgiveness.

I'm happy.
I have alot of conflicting thoughts, but only down to happy stuff.
So i am quite content.
I'm known to have a past record of basically ruining good stuff, so i just need to smile and be grateful, worrying doesn't solve anything.

stay captivated, stay content.

I'm enjoying being back home; but i also miss alot about Truro, and i miss Ashford lots too.
I didn't spend much time there, and i feel like there was so much more to be done.
Same with London. i really would love to explore that universe.

I dunno if i wrote about it i went to see Pearl Jam for the third time last weekend. It was really good to catch up with old friends and see such an amazing performance.
The company deffo made it an amazing gig overall.

I don't have much to say.
I'm Happy.
Here's to the perfect joint.
Peace. x


"I just want to scream 'hello! My god its been so long, never dreamed you'd return'
But now here you are, and here I am...


...Hearts and thoughts they fade away"

Have fun breaking my will.

I'm keeping it short and sweet while i'm home. Mainly because my spacebar is fucked and it's pretty annoying.

Highlights of today as follows.

• Further understanding a friend's philosophical approach to life whilst doing nothing more than wasting time and relaxing.
  
• Having a laugh with a group of friends i never would have envisioned spending my night with.
• Standing outside around midnight outside my parents' house, in total silence; enjoying the driving rain, cool air, my own thoughts and a spliff.
• A conversation

Today has been entirely enjoyable. This is probably down to the fact i have better things to be doing, and as a result have enjoyed wasting time. I really don't care.
I woke up this morning with very few constructive plans, and i'm going to bed with a smile on my face. That equates to profit in my opinion.

I'm looking forward to alot of things, and can only hope stuff figures out.

Deo Volente. x

peace can be used to describe a state of tranquility, or can also be used interjectionally as a request, greeting or farewell.

I'm enjoying being home. It's nice to see everyone, plus i've met a couple interesting people since being back.

While the few remaining, 'decent' get downtrodden; the "lucky" majority laugh, scream and throw loose change.

my room at my parents house looks less like a hotel room and more like my room now, i'm getting there.
Things were a bit messed up when i first returned, but i think it's settling down.
I miss Ashford, but i am really glad to be back.

"If he has a conscience he will suffer for his mistake. That will be punishment-as well as the prison."
Fyodor Dostoevsky., Crime and Punishment.

"I believe that on the first night I went to Gatsby's house I was one of the few guests who had actually been invited..."

"...People were not invited--they went there"

Have you ever thought that sometimes, you try to be too much to too many? i feel i may be guilty of this.
This week has defiantely helped me appreciate that it isn't hard at all to sit back and appreciate people for who they are.
We all look for the good in people; and you don't always have to try so hard to convey that you are a good person.
The right people appreciate this fact, and as they realise that you are an honest person, you also realise the same about them.
It's just nice to meet such a collection of decent people.

random note - but you realise when you go to anywhere new, you have to explore that area for yourself.
However if you are inducted to that area with someone you entirely trust, you already have an insight as to what to expect.
This helps overcome inhibitions, and gives a feeling of almost entire safety.
I can't explain how amazing this is, or how grateful i am for being able to experience only the best of times possible.
I have only experienced amazing things for the last week, and i cannot recall the last time i spent a whole week enjoying myself; not having to worry about anything negative or derogatory.

For this i am grateful, endlessly and always.
I have had the most amazing mini-holiday, relaxed, enjoyed myself, met some amazing people and had fun.
All i can do is thank and commend the people i have met in this circumstance, for they have really tried to help me have the best of times, and done a fucking good job.

I cannot think how to explain it, but the people i've met and the time i've spent with them, have reassured me as to alot of things. I don't want to go into great detail, (this one's just for me) but as well as being amazing; i believe this 'holiday' has been of great benifit to me, my personality, and my friendships.
I can't express how much i have enjoyed myself and how beneficial it has been, and again how grateful i am.

So all i have to say is thank you.

"From this day to the ending of the world, we in it shall be remembered.
we few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
for he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother; be he never so vile.
This day shall gentle his condition; and gentlemen in England now a-bed, shall think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their manhoods cheap while any speaks, that fought with us today."

Took some liberties, but it's a Shakespeare quote.

Peace. x

So i guess my one a day became ten, or twelve or more.

It's always amazing to live for the moment, and i honestly believe people do know how to do this properly these days.
However from a personal standpoint, for most of my adult life i have been living for the moment. I think sometimes you need to step back and take a look at the bigger picture, even if it is purely for the reason that it will bring greater moments to enjoy.

I find i float through life more often than not. If there's something i don't particularly gain much from my life, i ignore it and revert to enjoying whats going on here and now, and what enjoyment i can subsequently seek from it.

throughout this week i have thoroughly enjoyed myself and realistically achieved nothing.
This has been almost a holiday to me, and to be fair i believe it's well needed.
There's no way i can explain how much i have lived for the moment, and forgot the rest of life and just had an amazing time (many thanks to the people of Ashford for helping me to accomplish this.)

However strange as it may seem, i have found myself thinking (in my spare time) about plans for the future, and not just short term plans either.
For once i haven't found this to be a chore, maybe it's the challenge i actually need.
I don't anticipate big changes to my life at all, like i say i'm pretty content at present and definitely looking forward to summer; as the start of it has been amazing.
So yeah, i'm not even making serious plans, but for change i'm enjoying looking forward, and thinking of the future.

I appreciate this has little relevance yet again, i really should write about what i've been up to since the end of uni. But that's for another time when i'm not busy having so much fun.
I will update, write and reflect when i get a moment, but i imagine that will only be when i get home and settled.
So this is all i got for now, but here's to the future.

"A companion's words of persuasion are effective"
Homer, The Iliad

Love, Peace and Mohawk Grease.

I don't have a great deal to write about today really.
I finished uni for summer this week, and i'm finished at truro college for good. Shame really, i was just starting to enjoy the place.
I've passed everything so far except 2 modules i'm waiting to get my mark back for, so fingers crossed!
first time i've finished anything for along time.
Still really looking forward to Plymouth next year.
The weather is good and my hangover forgiving, so today could be good!
I got a dissertation to write before the end of summer, but that's going to be this weeks task i think, try get it done and out the way.
This blog's shit, it's not interesting in the slightest so i'm going to leave it alone and go and draw something.
or maybe eat something.
or i could draw something then eat it?
hmm. endless possibilities.

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity; that is only measurable by success."

if you gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough.

excuse me, can you tell me if i'm in the right place?

... anybody?

"You make that dance look so new, and i'm in awe...

...a face like you've never seen; I'm yours tonight.
So come on, light the stage.
We can all take off, anywhere.
we'll never come back... ever"

This week has been good. I should have been revising; however i've been getting mashed and having fun with my friends.
I've come to the conclusion wasting time when you have nothing to do, is boring. However given that i have concluded that wasting time when you have other things you really should be doing; is actually lots and lots of fun.

The weather has been good, and even though i'm still broke and running on fumes, my friends have enabled me to have a wicked time.
Just because something doesn't benifit the academic side of your life, it often is still needed.
It's important to spend as much time playing with the other aspects of life, not just careers and education.

So all in all i've had a pretty good week off, but i think it may be time to hit the books and get some much needed revision done now that i have a clearer head and a much more positive mental attitude.

From sunday to thursday i didn't sleep at all, it was pretty crazy - i got past the 70 hour mark and things got wierd. funny though. but thats all fixed and my sleeping pattern was beautiful for 2 nights. fingers crossed it'll stay. =)
i'm going to find a nice quote and a nice picture to wrap this up with.



"Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it." - Fyodor Dostoyevsky


... See wasn't that nice.

Peace. x

The greatest minds are capable of the greatest vices as well as of the greatest virtues.

Long time no blog.
Lots has happened i guess.
I feel this may be a lower point in life; hopefully preceding something fucking amazing.

I'm sick of being broke, owing money; and drugs getting me in shit and fucking me up. So fucking sick.

I realise it's entirely down to me to sort my own life out. If i want it to get better i'll have to work at it.
yet if i keep that mindset through all the dark times, i find that my life gets no better.
So what to conclude? I don't want a decent life? or i do, but i'm not trying hard enough? or is it simply unfixable?
This is what occupies my thoughts as i lay down and try to sleep; and throughout most of my waking life also.

I often question if i'm a decent person. I know that sounds a little insane, but allow me to elaborate.
I believe no decent person can truly end up a decent person by chance, without spending vast amounts of time contemplating it. they must question themselves, reflect, conclude then act on it.
I believe it's integral to improvement that personal status is constantly challenged.

However one should never settle for anything; and should constantly strive to keep improving.
I've came accross too many people who've convinced themselves that they're decent people, convinced the people around them they're decent people; yet it's false - they're far from it. I'm not in any position to judge, but without realising this for themselves they have no hope. That's the person i dread becoming.

i believe this is integral to improvement and self betterment.
Know yourself, and keep striving to find out more.



Although i may appear to be a decent person; i honestly don't believe i am anymore.
I'm not malicious or evil, and i'm definitely not selfish; i believe i'm just apathetic about too much.
Without passion there is no chance of success, and i can't be passionate because nothing holds my interest.
I need a fucking challenge, something to captivate me. I believe this contains what i need to make reparations in most (if not all) other areas of my life. Without a challenge, without mental stimulation many aspects suffer - at present i am quietly self destructing; and all the while convincing myself it's ok. It's not.

The destruction of a person builds character sure, and believe me: i've been alot lower than this - but it's all been over something that fucking mattered.

Never have i been so downtrodden and upset by merely reflecting on my life.
...so back to the root of the problem; do i just not want to fix it? or is it irreparable at present?

Either way it needs to get fixed - i don't care about my own sanity; but i feel that my life may often spill over into others' and in turn affect them.

I think the conclusion i have drawn is that is until i find something that interests and captivates me; something i'm passionate about - i don't have much chance of repairing anything, and will continue to spiral downwards without the slightest interest in redemption.

i feel so much love for my friends, my family, et al.
but this isn't reflected truly in my attitude and actions; i appear ungrateful and a shit friend.
That's what fucking bothers me; i'm gonna start pissing off decent people soon.
I'm hoping it won't come to that, because unlike some - they don't deserve it.

"On a long enough timeline the survival rate for everybody drops to zero."


On a brighter note i got more ink filled scars hammered into me; i feel this may be an almost endless positive.

Thanks and goodnight. x

In My Nothing... You Meant Everything To Me

I don't have anything amazing or profound to write; i've had an amazing day and i am exhausted so i think i'll keep it short n' sweet.
i mainly wanted to put a copy of this picture up before i loose it.


I started today nice and slow, i had quite a heavy night last night - and deffo did friday (see previous blog) so since the sun has been baking hot and it's sunday (being the best day ever) i decided to have a nice relaxing day.
so i set up extension cords, got some chairs out; and sat out the front of the shop in the sun.
I wrote in my journal a bit which has been suffering neglect, then i drew. (see picture above)
i don't know if it's finished or not; it's a shit picture at the moment.
With some work it might turn out alright, but i'm more enthralled by how much i enjoyed just drawing again.
i don't draw at all anymore; but i had so much fun today.
But anyways we sat out front for a couple hours (everyone going to and from the shop gave us a good stare - well entertaining) but i got bored (being an ADHD child) so we decided since it was an amazing day and only about 2-30pm we should head to the beach... so head to the beach we did, apart from there being faaaar too many loved up couples everywhere - it was a really nice day out.
I dug a massive hole with no help from my friends, and i kept digging.
my mates said i'd get bored.
but i kept digging.
they tried throwing rocks in the hole.
but i kept digging.
i hit water.
i kept digging.
and so on.
it was amazing though, i only stopped when i couldn't reach the bottom anymore. i don't care if my hands are fucked from it. it was entirely worth it when i stood in it it was waist deep; so that's a good 3 foot down!!!

We went climbing across the rocks and found this little man made rock pool that was crystal clear and hidden from everybody. but the water was cold so i just kinda dipped my feet in. was nice to get away from the beach, it was a little hectic and loud.
but i got bored. and climbed a massive cliff.
i'm a little scared of heights, but i don't let my fears be derogatory to having fun. so i climbed about 60 foot up a cliff, got a mate to take a picture - then found a nice easy way to the top so i could walk round and meet them on the beach cuz i felt like i was going to fall off.
It was quieter on the beach when we got back, so we got to play football for a bit which is amazing, i love throwing myself about on the sand. such a kid at heart.
but then it was time to leave. =(
...turns out we're all sunburned.
hahaha


...but that's it.that's all i wanted to say.
I've had a good day, and go look at a different blog if you'd like something intellectual or profound to read.
PEAAAACE. xx

Let my own lack of a voice be heard.

So it's been a horrible week. absolutely denk. no cash, no drink, no smoke, no time for friends and play. NO FUCKING FUN


but it was friday yesterday.. mmmhmm. it was.

i handed my Law dissertation in which i'm feeling pretty good about; i've done so much work for it i hope it's reflected in the mark i get back. otherwise im just gonna go back to just scraping by with minimal effort.
so it was absolutely lovely weather; it got to like 23 degrees or something and there wasn't a cloud in the sky.
ended up being plied with beer and weed all night which was just what i needed. then watched some bullshit, mindless violence movie cuz i'm sick of being cultured for the time being.
again well needed.The suns out again today so i think it's time to play out.


I have someone on my mind; but i'm fairly sure i shouldn't. I really should learn my lesson with getting these ideas.
I just miss her i guess; it's nice when somebody else makes an effort too =)
oh well. summer times eh?


ok well like i said, i have sun to enjoy, i got some letters to write and some excellent weed to smoke.
love, peace and mohawk grease motherfuckers. xxx

"A self-destructive man feels completely alienated, utterly alone.
He's an outsider to the human community.
He thinks to himself, "I must be insane."
What he fails to realize is that society has, just as he does, a vested
interest in considerable losses and catastrophes.
These wars, famines, floods and quakes meet well-defined needs.
Man wants chaos.
In fact, he's gotta have it.
Depression, strife, riots, murder, all this dread.
We're irresistibly drawn to that almost orgiastic state created out of
death and destruction.
It's in all of us. We revel in it.
Sure, the media tries to put a sad face on these things,
painting them up as great human tragedies.
But we all know the function of the media has never been to eliminate
the evils of the world, no.
Their job is to persuade us to accept those evils and get used to
living with them.
The powers that be want us to be passive observers.
(Hey, you got a match?)
And they haven't given us any other options... outside the occasional,
purely symbolic, participatory act of voting.
You want the puppet on the right or the puppet on the left?
I feel that the time has come to project my own inadequacies and
dissatisfactions into the socio-political and scientific schemes."


"...Let my own lack of a voice be heard."

we'll never come back... ever.

"and i will see you again, someday"
A tribute to Craig, Aidan, Lee, Edward, Jenny, Lizzie, Anthony et al.

We all answer to influence and ultimately judgement from our friends. i feel this is integral. It's makes us, us.
i have had too many deep conversations over the last 48 hours. summary is: Mates save you. no matter how insignificant. they understand.
we need friends; good friends - in the end, that's all we have. A need to feel love.
I can't deny this, and i hope no others (that i call friends) do either.
Friends make you the person you are today. They are the bounty of life; the only beauty worth fully appreciating.
If you're proud of yourself, be proud of your friends.

I have found (for years) ultimate solace in the fact that no matter where i am, what situation i find myself in, no matter how severe or tedious; i can up sticks and leave. just go away.
I adore having no ties to one place, apart from my friends.
I need the comfort of being able to run away. not that it's always needed - but it's my back up plan. and that is needed.
i'm sure my friends would understand if i left, after all the only integral factor is that they stay in my life, not where i'm located - It's not down to where i live, what i do or how i feel. I'll keep them - yet retain nothing else.
I can't explain how important this is to being me.

i have decided i need a dictaphone. all i do through writing is reflect on the conversations i have had with the people who mean the most, and how they affect me and my outlook.
It's too much to ever write from memory. probably from a recording too; but it would be a hell of an advance.

I'd love to record my whole life, and in the end still have time to watch it - not only watch it but appreciate every detail.
Yet i can't; it is impossible to give every aspect of life the consideration it truly deserves, and the effects entailed.
all we can do is try to appreciate as we go along as much as we can.

i appreciate this makes no sense to anyone. This is a selfish writing; don't give a flying fuck.
i only hope it makes sense to me.

all we're doing is wasting time; but all the while trying to make to most of it.
i want you to know; although it'll be a while until we go for a mission together, and we haven't had a decent all night conversations in a while - i truly have faith that we will again.
All im trying to say to you; is i miss you. So fucking much.
You taught me alot; mainly how to appreciate what i have before it's gone.
Only it's horrid to have to deal with that in retrospect.
All i can do is be the person you helped me become; and i will make you proud.
But i promise i won't let you down anymore. I promise. xx

'I haven't found a drug yet that can get you as high as sitting at a desk writing' - Hunter. S. Thompson.

Vietnam, me love you long time. All day, all night, me love you long time.
'Delta One-Niner, this is Alpha patrol. We are on the north-east face of hill Seven-Zero-Five and taking fire, I repeat, taking fire. Immediate air assistance required on the fucking double. Can you confirm?'
Radio static.
'I say again, this is Alpha patrol and we are taking fire. immediate air assistance required. can you confirm? We are taking fire. Please confirm. We are... Incoming, Incoming!'
Boom
'...Medic!'
Dropping acid on the Mekong Delta, smoking grass through a rifle barrel, flying on a helicopter with opera blasting out of loudspeakers, tracer-fire and paddy-field scenery, the smell of napalm in the morning.
Long time.
Yea, though i walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for my name is Russell. I was born in 1986.

Paraphrased from 'The Beach - Alex Garland'

So lets start with an apology for lack of blogs, Actually lets not. I don't owe you a fucking thing.
Its been an interesting weekend/week/span of time. with Hywel's birthday obviously there has been alot of malice and alcohol. We had a good night out on friday. I wore a suit for some reason. any excuse eh. there was fucking loads of decent people out. good laughs all round. good music. was pretty funny - we got some fucking funny photos.

So i think it's finally time to stop eating painkillers like smarties. seems pretty pointless now and there's been a couple of instances i've scared the shit out of myself so lets call it a day. I'll still say there's nothing quite like leading a life of excess. brightest flame burns quickest and all that. I just hate the idea of my actions upsetting my friends and those i care about.

i really don't know what to do for summer. My uni mates are going home, but i wanted to make the most out of having a flat in cornland since i missed last summer. i'm going up to see pearl jam at hyde park on the 25th of June or something, with some fucking old school friends. I am looking forward to this fiercely. I'm also hopefully gonna see a couple people while i'm up there have a little holiday which will be amazing!!

considering chopping off my mohawk. it's been over a year this time round. either that or growing it stupidly long.
dunno yet. i don't suit a shaved head, but im getting bored of mohawk times. hmm. Not sure.
Well i'm sick of writing, and there's nothing else i want to document to the public. so i'm out for now.

peaaaace. xxx

Reality is subjective.

Ok so today has gone out of the window; but i'm in a relatively good mood.
Me and Hywel talked at length last night about dreams, and i'm sure it had effect because last night was one of the best, most lucid dreams i've ever had. I'm not going to go into great detail, i wrote it all down in my journal; but i was the son of a mafia boss and it was fucking sick. i had a suit and a gun and a beautiful trophy wife and lots of money.

"They say that dreams are real only as long as they last.
Can't you say the same thing about life?
A lot of us out there are mapping that mind/body relationship of dreams.
We're called the oneironauts. We're explorers of the dream world."

But yeah today, woke up in a good mood after surreal amazing dreamtime. sunny day outside and a nice easy day; get some questionnaires done for my legal research project, and meet my lecturer to sort out a few problems.
So i wander up to uni, forgot my headphones but no big deal, lovely day n all you know.

"Really, it's just about the two opposing states of consciousness...which don't really oppose at all.
See, in the waking world, the neuro-system inhibits the activation of the vividness of memories.
This makes evolutionary sense.
It'd be maladapted for the perceptual image of a predator to be mistaken for the memory of one and vice-versa.
If the memory of a predator conjured up a perceptual image, we'd be running off to the bathroom every time we had a scary thought."

ok so as i was saying i wandered up to college and i was running a bit late so i ended up a few minutes late and just missed my lecturer. balls.
left her a note and hopefully see her tomorrow.
i went up to the library to print out more questionnaires, put some more printer credits on, and the fucking intanet is down!!!

"So you have these serotonic neurons that inhibit hallucinations...
that they themselves are inhibited during REM sleep.
This allows dreams to appear real while preventing competition from other perceptual processes.
This is why dreams are mistaken for reality.
To the functional system of neural activity that creates our world,
there is no difference between dreaming a perception and an action and actually the waking perception and action."


I managed to meet Ollie over college who'd handed a few of my questionnaires out which was bonus.
met some interesting people too, and had a nice little smoke.
So i wander off for my lesson, which i think starts at 1pm and finishes at 3pm. turns out i was wrong. 11-1. balls again. got some funny looks walking into a 2 hour lecture 5 minutes before the end.
This is what happens when you don't sleep too often.
apart from getting nowhere with work, today has been fun. entirely counter productive but enjoyable.

"I had a friend once who told me...
that the worst mistake that you could make...
is to think that you are alive...
when really you’re asleep in life's waiting room.
The trick is to combine your waking rational abilities...
with the infinite possibilities of your dreams.
'Cause if you can do that, you can do anything."

i came to the conclusion that the recent elections are to politics what the grand national is to horse racing. See no-one gives a fuck about horse racing until the grand national rolls around, then every man and his dog shows an interest. Its the same with parliamentary elections, no one gives a fuck about politics until election time then every one is convinced they know politics and feel compulsed to discuss it. It's fucking horrid.
Opinions are like arseholes in this day and age; everyone has one, and they think that theirs doesn't stink.
my course is pretty heavily tied to politics, so im sick of it and i believe talking about personal politics is rude and impolite just as general conversation.
each to their own i guess.

"Did you ever have a job that you hated and worked real hard at?
A long, hard day of work. Finally you get to go home, get in bed, close your eyes...
and immediately you wake up and realize that the whole day at work had been a dream.
It's bad enough that you sell your waking life for-- for minimum wage,
but now they get your dreams for free"

So back to dreams, i think it's important to define when you are awake, and when you are asleep.
People spend all day in a zombie like state, wandering round half asleep.
and all the time they're asleep convinced they're awake, totally unaware that they're dreaming.
the key is in identification.

...now read this back, but just the quotes. x

there's a highway to the edge, once a night you will drive yourself there.

Just a quick update so you know i haven't forgotten you blog. i'm feeling pretty de-motivated and apathetic about every aspect of my life at present.
i believe this may be due to withdrawl from various drugs and the stupid amount of uni work i have.
it's only temporary and hopefully i will be healthy, happy and busy withs tuff that actually matters again soon.
all i want to do at present is sleep.
doing a big fuck off research project alongside a dissertation and loads of revision. and trust; i am shite at work.
every aspect, motivation, research,t ime keeping, writing. you name it, i'm shit at it.
so that is lots of fun. just trying to get it out of the way then on with my life i guess.
i'm ready for adventure.
may edit a bit later if i find anything worth writing about. not gonna happen in the present state though.
work times. and being a miserable fuck. here's to summer and having this shit part done with.

let's do it, let's self destruct.

i take your entrance back...can't let you roam inside my head

so i enjoyed this weekend. it's been heavy but good. sometimes you have to burn the fuse at both ends.
im getting back into dreaming, and the last few nights i've had really trippy dreams.
i love lucid dreams.
it's sunday so i'm going to keep it short.
nothing doing today, at all. this i like.
time to chill and reflect and sort my head out for the coming week. i feel i need to update my journal since i started writing this it's been pretty neglected. savage.
could do with tidying my room, however i feel i will spend most the day reading, as i haven't found much time for it recently and fear i may become illiterate.

i feel the last few blogs have been pretty negative, but that doesn't necessarily represent my mood, if i feel shit; often i won't talk about it. after i start getting stuff straight in my head i acknowledge things.
So it's not a bad sign, possibly the opposite, maybe a sign of progression.
fingers crossed.
peace. x

"I thought you were a friend, but i guess i... i guess i hate you."

The destruction of a person builds character.

I'll never pretend to be the best person at dealing with shit. most things i'm actually pretty good at, I'll always try my best anyway, and i'm of the opinion i'm quite a strong person - but the one thing i'm shit at is getting people out of my head.
It takes so fucking long, then one little thing jogs my memory back a bit over what i've spent ages trying to forget or not care about, equals a shitload of regression and i end up back where i started pretty much. I can't be reminded of them, it just fucks me up.
I appreciate this is entirely a fault of mine, but i can't do anything about it. Believe me i wish i could.
I know some people can just flip a switch and get on with their lives; but i'm not that lucky at all.
All it takes is someone to mention their name, to get a simple message; and that's it. I'm fucked. That's them stuck in my head again.

On a lighter note it's not all mental self destruction. I've noticed i'm turning into a little chemical drug rat as well. Which i am not going through again. I am too old for that shit, and i've been through it too many times before. So yeah, fingers crossed from here on out i will be (relatively) drug free, as i have no desire to spanner myself in and fuck myself up any further.
So i imagine this is 'game over' again.
I just miss it, i know it's the drugs, not the situation - but just being high with a mate or mates, makes for such an interesting night. When you're young you manage to get it in your head that it's not the drugs, it's the mindset of the company you keep.
well it's not, it's the drugs. it may be fun, but its still the drugs. and it'd be very hypocritical for me to go against it: some of the best times i've had on my life have been due to chemicals and their effect ont he human body. i just think it's sad if that's the only way you can have fun.

i dunno if it's the best or the worst thing, but people who've experimented with drugs often have this refreshing mentality you rarely find anywhere else; they just tick differently you know?? Over indulgence turns people into retards or psychopaths, and people who don't dabble are just the usual grey of society (in most cases) but you get this lovely bit in between where people have had fun, experimented, opened their mind, saw life from a (previously unattainable) different angle, and then walked away after realising their limits.
and they can't regress, you're mind will never go back, you just learn to live with it; but it just opens your mind in a way that can never be fully closed again. You can analyse anything from any number of angles, have more than one opinion on any area, you've seen things indescribable, and colours that don't exist, and it does benifit in a few different ways in my opinion.
It's hard to explain, but people just have that air about them. That they've seen and done more than the average person, not only have they seen and done it, they've also gone ahead and questioned it; and more often than not benefited as a person for doing so.
Sometime it's evident, other times not so; but i am of the opinion it is of huge benefit to the person, if not only for the regaling of hilarious or unlikely experiences, it's all contributes greatly to interesting conversations.

you have to appreciate how wired i am from last night, and i apologise for how direct my writing style is.
this is the only time i will apologise for how i write; i think it's mostly for myself if i read this back.
So this is just a ramble, but i have no standards to uphold, and no promises to keep. so fuck it =)
like i said earlier on i believe the shitter someone writes, the more character it carries.

so yeah. peace. x

this way of life has become an addiction.

i am over a thousand miles away and counting.
i'd write but it'd be gibberish.
it's nice to be detached. =D

Ignorance, the root and the stem of every evil.

fucking crazy night last night. i can't even begin to explain it i can't be arsed but it was good just to get out and do things instead of sitting about. =)

today i have been picking up the trail of stuff i left in the various places i was last night. saw luke and co who are back from lanze; saw steve who was wired as fuck then chilled the fuck out. i didn't sleep much last night so i think it might be time to catch up.

"You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation"
Plato

I've walked so much over the last few days. i absolutely love walking. i keep putting new music on my phone to listen to and just mission. it's really nice when it's quiet, but i also love wandering about town when it's busy. I just find it relaxing, it's definitely one of the best ways to waste time in my eyes.

so err yeah may go out to play tonight may not. bit broke. friday tomorrow though =)
i can't think of anything amazing or profound to say so yeaah i think i'm about done for now.

i miss my cat.

regress-reform-regret-repeat

Today started well. i had a nice long sleep for a change, albeit some pretty fucking wierd dreams.
dark dreams i can deal with, lucid dreaming ensures pretty much total control over dreams when practiced well.

so yeah, suns out. nice walk to uni.

"All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking."
Friedrich Nietzsche

uni was good - only in for two hours. decent lesson. but one text flipped me on my head. and it wasn't even malicious or bad or anything, it just sent me down a thought path im trying so hard to steer clear of.
Mr. Self Destruct
i'm fairly sure the time i spend feeling shit is getting less and becoming less frequent if that makes sense, so i'm nearly there. =)
but yeah after uni i saw ollie and a couple mates from college chilling on the grass so i had a nice relax and sit in the sun.

"A good writer possesses not only his own spirit but also the spirit of his friends."

I think i just need to spend more time in the company of mates. it's nearly summer and there's nothing better than just sitting in a patch of sun with some smoke and some beer and having fun purely through the company you keep, not the location you're at or the activities you engage in.
it's my last summer in cornwall, and i missed biggest part of last year down here so i intend to make the most of it. i still think i'll frequent truro even after i move. but only for the people here; nothing else.
...maybe the cathedral.


Live steady. Don't fuck around. give anything weird a wide berth - including people. It's not worth it. I learned this the hard way, through brutal over indulgence.

i'm gonna go play some basketball. try and chill the fuck out and concentrate on enjoying today. x



"This world is full of dangerous beasts - but none quite as ugly and uncontrollable as a lawyer who has finally flipped off the tracks of Reason. he will run completely amok - like a Priest into sex, or a narc-squad cop who suddenly decides to start sampling his contraband."
Hunter S. Thompson

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy"

Through consultation today, i have reached the conclusion that it's ok to daydream, be a thousand miles away, when there's nothing better happening.
I think children have it down to a tee - they're off shooting bad guys, or being an astronaut or some amazing and crazy shit that is way better in comparison to staring at a tv, or making idle conversation while waiting uncomfortably for a lecture to start or a bus to come or whatever boring meaningless shit consumes our daily lives.
escape. go do something, live somebody else's extravagant life for a change when there's fuck all better doing.

So yeah, any select few who are like me and still get lost in the depths of your imagination and fucking love it; it's ok. you're not insane (for this reason anyway) - i say so.

when was the last time you made a resolution that wasn't connected with the dawn of a new year?
i made one today. and this struck my mind.

i feel today has been productive even though i've achieved fuck all.
i fell in love with the idea of being a student in plymouth even more, even though educationally my day was useless, i feel like i have befitted regardless.
i also re-dyed my mohawk which was long overdue.
nothing like washing dye out the hair in a house with no hot water. beautiful.

i also discovered through consensus ad idem that everyone feels fucking low, angry and enraged at the worst of times.

i've dealt with some horrid shit in my time, absolutely horrible, but still nothing makes me more useless than having to deal with feeling hollow. i can deal with being sad. i believe everyone can, we suffer, and it makes us stronger. and 90% i can deal with, and get on with life. the only thing that stops me dead in my tracks - is love issues.
i always thought it was a bad reaction in me; something i was more tuned in to. today i realised (at great relief), everyone feels lost, everyone feels hollow. even those who appear so strong.
it's all in how well you hide it.

i'll tell you now i can't fucking hide it to save my life. everyone will know if something's gone wrong in that aspect of my life, where as any other problem. nope. no clue. entirely unknown.

but i'm glad, in a horrid way. through bad consequence i am reassured in myself. what a fucking horrid thing to say. i realised i'm not the only one to fall to pieces in this situation, it's more to do with how people represent (in themselves) how they feel. and where i felt i was unique, to have felt such pain where others have felt nothing, is none other than selfish bullshit, and very fucking naïve.

This isn't all bad; seems like a rant - i just feel stuff is moving on, and hopefully i can put stuff to a close. i truly hope in light of this i can get on with my life.

"The last of the romantics" - probably the only profound analogy i've ever dreamed up. i feel it suits me.


i guess i'd just appreciate someone to care about, with no fucking boundaries, no drama. - no kid shit basically. just to be me, be appreciated, and try on the constant to make that one person feel amazing.

i think i'm ready, although i'm through forcing stuff, through jumping in head first, through with over analysing stuff, through with hoping for too much and most of all through with ruining stuff for myself.

i have to chill, and something right will come along. i fucking know it - it's all about the attitude. i'm just fucking ready and i have my head straight, and i just want that last little bit to have a complete life. but we can't wish too much.

finis vitae sed non amoris.

"stop the world... i want to get off"

i love screaming "destruction!!!" as you remotely open an xbox when there's piles of shit crowded in front of it. As it remorselessly clears a path through whatever is casually piled in its way; i always gain a childlike sense of entertainment.
i don't care if it makes a mess. it's fun.
today has been sun, spliff and beer. a good combination.
i was coming down pretty heavy and i didn't sleep too good, but it's bank holiday. meaning extended sunday. this is always good; sunday being the best day of the week.
"sunday is my favourite time of year"

Plymouth tomorrow. where i travel for 3 hours just to get given a shitload of work that they could easily email to me but would rather watch me squirm trying to get there for some stupid time in the morning that's practically still the middle of the night. fucking nazis.
oh well.
still looking forward to moving. i have been donated a hammock, which also made my day. i have big plans for my new room. big fucking plans. i love customising a new room and this place i got for next year, i'm telling you: it's got potential. =D
i need to write alot of letters. i have got totally shit at writing to people. i have too many i promised i'd send. i feel this may be a task to be undertaken on wednesday.

my hand is all fixed now, i can bend my little finger again although it still looks a little squiffy. It got all fucked up doing some photoshoot involving powder paint and slamming on a basketball net. haha. long story.

i have one session left and then my half sleeve tattoo is officially finished - nothing scares me more. i'm fairly certain i'm going to keep going after this, but i'm gonna sharp end up running out of space. haha ohh dearrr. =S
i really want my chest tattooed next, but i dunno if i have it in me. looks fucking horrific i'll tell you that. it's all about commitment and conviction though.

So yeah, onwards with the day. I may give a little edit later if i'm still about.

peace. x

"...as rare as rocking horse shit."

You know that annoying thing you do, where you always say.."Oh i wish i'd started a journal, but it's too late now" or when you see a bit of graf that says like "Noj woz ere 1998" and think "fuck me, that's old. i wish i'd done something like that back then"

Right well that's what it's like with journals. You always think, there isn't any point in starting one now, cuz so much has passed. Well i'll tell you now; it is fucking worth it.

But yeah, enough of that. I was kinda getting towards the idea that when you start a new journal or whatever, you always try to do like an "up to speed" thing just to inform the reader of everything that has built up and led to current proceedings, whatever crisis you suffered that made you want to do something stupid like write down your life story... Or you leave a couple of blank pages and promise yourself you'll go back. Yeahhh.. Never happens. That's exactly what should be here, but y'know what.. fuck it.
I don't think there is any need as i am about to explain, it's all about the future baby.

I'm a firm believer in no matter how bad something is, you should never go back and get rid of it or change it in any way, because that's who you were then. and as cringe-worthy as it may have been you should be proud of who you are and your decisions. Regret nothing.
If it's a moment you're not so proud of, it's good to be reminded now and again. Hopefully it will stop you making the same mistake again. Y'know, maybe learn something?

To have something to look back on, and to reflect on - it's a pure blessing. I can't explain the feeling it brings to catch a glimpse, a memory of what life was like for you in the past. Fuck photos, they do not evoke enough emotion.
Only words can truly capture a moment; and you don't have to be an amazing writer.
I firmly believe the worse you write, the more personalised it becomes. try writing yourself a little message next time you're shitfaced drunk. Guaranteed it'll make you smile.

Basically, all anyone need know so far is everything's good bar two things really.

1. I have been a bit unlucky in love recently, despite trying very hard and sacrificing alot of time, cash and effort. i have been shit on. twice. in quick succession. from a great, great height. not really anyone's fault in particular i guess, just bad luck. It's just horrid to try so fucking hard, and get nothing back.
I believe my problem is, i feel like i fall for people very fast, it's not that at all. I had to figure it out the hard way, but it basically comes down to the fact i haven't been in a relationship for about 2 1/2 years. i just got sick of them. long story.
basically what happens is, someone shows an interest in me and i go apeshit yeah? get all worked up and get really happy, cuz i'm in love with the idea of being in a relationship right?
so you can see where this is going. i just wind myself up and get a bit intense when stuff doesn't work out and i don't get what i want. like i said, i leaned this, the hard way.
but i think i've got my head sorted, and i think i've learned from these experiences. I just have to wait it out, and i can't try to be too quick and jump into stuff. I often find myself caring far too much.
I've decided if being a nice guy doesn't work out, i'm just going to start being a prick to women. It seems guys who treat women like shit get the best girls running after them.
easy, i'm joking. i'm not gonna turn into a dickhead. (I hope)
i have to be confident stuff will work out, and just continue to try my best right?
Just chill and wait for something right i guess.
But enough bitching and moaning, everyone has to suffer similar shit; and i believe it makes us the people we are today.
"it's better to be broken than to break"

2. A little hard to explain so being brief here, i find myself eating alot of prescription painkillers.
But yeah these little fucking things are amazing. Nobody had tried them so i test drove them and later found out i took a few too many. Oops. So i lost two days, but everyone i spoke to said i looked like i was having fun so good stuff right??
But yeah in small doses they chill me right out. They're just some opiate used to substitute morphine when people come out of hospital. Good fun. Lots of fun actually, although i imagine not a good idea to end up addicted to. On the contrary however, much less damaging than what the NHS supplies to sufferers of insomnia.


As a long term sufferer i sympathise with anyone else who has ever suffered from insomnia. It is diabolically boring.

I appreciate entirely the fact these two things are trivial problems. I've had a bit of a rough run with family stuff (again not explaining, and don't see the point in ever doing so)
so although i'm coming from a bit of a bad place, i do feel that things are improving. I imagine this summer is going to hold alot, and i really have high expectations that it will be amazing. I'm moving after summer, which i'm also really looking forward to; so i guess this blog can kinda be a way for me to hopefully document the next few months in my life.

I believe this summer and what follows is going to be pretty important; and instead of being pessimistic i'm really looking to get the most out of it.

yeah so i'll probably stop now. hopefully keep updating. i dunno if this will be read by anyone else, we'll see how shit pans out.

Oh yeah, punctuation and grammar, not my forte, so i'd recommend anyone who reads too heavily into that shit to piss off now while you're slightly ahead.

as a close, some robbed lyrics.
these words meant alot to me at the time i heard them and still do now, and i know they're gonna stick with me for so long. it was creepy how fitting they were for the time.
If the girl i envision when i hear them ever reads this, i'm fairly sure she'll know who she is.

Night anybody.
Love, Peace and Mohawk Grease... x

"I fell in love with a girl from the city
Still got cauliflower ears from when her voice first hit me
and a swollen lip, from when her lyrics first kissed me
and when I went to pull back ever so gently bit me.

Within those three days it gets no better
We were inseparable; no-one could separate us
make us question our status
It was like someone, somehow found a way to syncopate us

...and it'll stay that way forever, in my mind that is
Coz it was a stolen three days and a stolen kiss
and although those three days I sorely miss
I own those three days when I write like this.

But I feel right now I must stress
That I write this with a smile on my face and nothing less
Coz when I think about the time we waste on regrets
I realise for those three days I was blessed"